Malaysia's wonderful. Even though we're a 50% muslim country, the urge to perv is great. Overwhelming. Disturbingly powerful. If it wasn't for the net, I don't know what the good people of Malaysia would do.
But not everyone has the internet. So for all the low income Malay's, there's literature. Literature such as this:
For those that can't read Malay, I'll translate as best I can:
The headlines of the individual photos, clockwise, from top left (I've added the exlamation marks for effect):
Brinjal breaks in girls vagina!
How black magic made a girl give up her virginity!
Willing to sleep with 2 guys at once! - after downing some spanish fly.
She wishes for a big torpedo!
Top right hand corner flash: You Must Read This!
Bottom copy: True tales of forbidden sex acts!
I've seen this magazine in the racks of the convenience store since Monday. By Wednesday, the urge was way too great. I HAD to get it. I mean, LOOK at it! From a copywriter's point of view, just read those excellent headlines! If 'Yang Perlu Anda Baca' isn't a call to action, I don't know what is.
And it keeps getting better:
Check out the girl with her eyes covered in shame. Even without the eyes, she's pretty fine. But that's not the killer. Check out the top right hand corner. That's a picture of the author. A tudung'd girl wrote it, so it MUST be true!
Some of the headlines inside are just as hillarious, if not more. Example 1:
TABUNG UJI PECAH DI DALAM KEMALUAN GADIS!
Translation: Test tube breaks in girls punnany!
And check out the illustration:
Feel the pain! Feel the shame!
Another one, which had me completely perplexed at first:
SEKS MANDI KUCING GADIS KILANG!
Translation: Factory girl's catbath sex!
With, once again, a cool illustration:
Notice the sinister look of the girl on her knees, who doesn't actually seem to be doing anything sexual. Her hands, if you look closer are not between the other girls legs, but by the side. The other girl, on the other hand, is having deep orgasmic pleasure of a the catbath variety.
At first I was confused as hell: what the hell does catbathing have to do with factory worker lesbians?! My only possible explanation is that cats wash themselves by licking themselves, and cat can also be pussy. Spread the word, a new term to replace 'rugmunching'. Next time you see a dyke, go tell them to have a 'catbath'.
The supposed 'real photos' are quite disturbing at times too. For example, one of the headlines for a story reads:
ASRAMA DIJADIKAN TEMPAT LEPAS NAFSU
Translation: Hostel hotbed for illicit sex!
And here's the culprit:
If you can't read the quote at the bottom of the picture, it reads:
"Tinggal bersama di asrama memudahkan kami menjalankan 'activiti'" - Baby
Translation: "Living in dorms makes it easier to fuck" - Baby
First off, what kind of a man calls himself 'Baby'?! And secondly, what woman in their right mind would fuck a guy that looks like THAT? He looks like a serial rapist. I mean, you're in a dorm, right? There's got to be more choice than this buck toothed Mr. Oss motherfucker.
Other headlines in the mag are just as good and just as deranged. There's the story of a girl who causes severe naughty bit damage to herself with a cucumber, some guy who's aparently a playboy, another girl who was a victim of witchery and made to do sexual acts against her bidding and, most curious of all, some forest with hidden sexual powers. I couldn't really translate it much, but the image had a woman with an increadibly shocked look on her face, looking downwards into a bush. Hmmm... poltergeist rapists? There was one line in the story that I did manage to translate, about an impotent trucker who took a few steps into the forest and regained his erection.
It makes for a disturbing read. All the articles are supposedly 'educational', and seem to be targetted at young Malay women, possibly to scare them from ever having sex. Especially the recurring theme of severe vaginal damage from foreign objects. A brinjal breaking in half, a cucumber causing severe haemorhages and a test tube breaking.
Thank God I'm a guy.
